It’s a Friday night in college and the campus is jumping. Music bumps through the walls of a packed-out house party, where friends talk, dance and laugh while others meet each other for the first time. Thirsty bruthas and sistas scan the room, eyes sparkling with anticipation. The rush of excitement—hormone infused adrenaline flowing—is everywhere. This night is all about freedom. No commitments. No rules. Whatever feels right…whatever feels good…tonight’s the night to just do it!
Maybe that’s what sucks you in—this promise of something wild, something free. No strings, just two people, in the moment, living it up. Hookup culture has a way of seducing you with its glamour. TV shows, movies, songs, social media—everyone everywhere seems to be gettin’ in on! “So why not have a taste?” it whispers. But here’s what hooking up won’t tell you. When the lights come back on, and the sensations fade away, what you’re left with might not be what you expect.
Let’s pull back the covers on hookup culture and see what’s really underneath.
The Attraction of Hookup Culture
Picture yourself at a late-night diner with your boys, laughing about last night’s antics over a plate of fries. One of them leans in, saying, “There ain’t no better time than college for this sh--! It’s about freedom, baby! FREE-DOM!” You nod along, overflowing in amazement at stories of “no-strings-attached smashin’ and equally impressive body count stats.
The young men in my novel Exactly How It’s `Posed to Be have the same attitude as their freshman year begins. They’re away from home at one of the nation’s top HBCU’s, Winton College and looking forward to complete and total FREEDOM. (The question is, what will they do with it?)
Freedom. That’s the word that keeps popping up. For a lot of fellas, regular booty calls and every-night one-night-stands feel like freedom. The exhilaration of feeling someone new without the chains of commitment. The mystery of the unknown and the unexpected. In a place like college, where everyone is “finding themselves,” getting swept up in all of this can happen before you even realize it.
But even here among friends, with the late-night laughter and carefree vibes, there’s a small voice deep inside many struggling to be heard. It asks, “Is this really all there is?”
For young Christians especially, there’s an added tension—the quiet pull of faith gently warning them to go in the opposite direction. Somewhere deep down, they wonder if all this “freedom” is really what it’s cracked up to be.
The Emotional Fallout
Fast-forward a few months. You’re back in your dorm room, scrolling through photos from the weekend. But this time, there’s a hollow feeling. The fun, the adventure, the intoxicating pleasure—it’s vanished. Instead, you’re left with a strange sense of detachment, like a piece of you is missing somehow.
Researchers say this feeling isn’t unusual. Casual relationships often leave people empty or disconnected. Because as much as we try to separate the physical from the emotional, we’re just not wired that way. Every time you come together with someone sexually, you leave a piece of yourself with them. And when it’s suddenly over, the emotional impact can be like tearing away a section of your own skin—extremely painful and sure to leave a scar.
For Christians, the emotions can be even more complicated. You’re in a tug-of-war with the Holy Spirit inside you. You’ve heard that God wants you to honor Him with your body, but you’re not doing any of that. It leaves you wondering, Is it worth it? The emptiness, the inner conflict? They weren’t part of the “freedom” you thought you were signing up for.
Impact on Self-Esteem and Self-Worth
It’s the following weekend, and again you find yourself in a similar scenario—another party, another meaningless hookup. Only now, it’s harder to find the thrill. You’re chasing it, but something’s off. Now you’re thinking, Is this all I’m worth? To be led around by my lowest instincts? Like some animal?
It’s a cycle that takes a toll on self-esteem. Studies show that repeated casual sexual encounters can erode our sense of self-worth, making us dependent on others’ approval. The next sexual conquest is never enough. It’s chasing shadows, trying to find value from someone else, but never being able to hold on to it.
But there’s another way. Psalm 139:14-16 describes the beautiful, intricate craftsmanship God creates each of us with. “I am fearfully and wonderfully made.” We’re also told how we were specifically chosen by God to be holy and blameless. (Ephesians 1:4) We’re not to be striving for someone else’s approval—we need to realize our value in God’s eyes (Isaiah 43:4). In Christ you are a child of God and you are valuable.
With that in mind, let’s start imagining a different story—one where you’re rooted and grounded in who you are in Christ. Your self-esteem has nothing to do with what someone else says, but everything to do with your realization of His love for you. How would you act? Would you still crawl into bed with anyone breathing? Or would you choose differently—valuing the beautiful creation God made? That’s the kind of confidence that doesn’t fade once the party’s over.
Building Unhealthy Relationship Habits
You’re on autopilot now. Another weekend, another hookup. It’s planned. It’s expected. But every time it feels a bit emptier, a bit less fulfilling. You’re finding it harder to open up, harder to trust. Without realizing it, you’re forming habits—patterns of detachment, walls that go up without warning.
Social science backs this up. Engaging in casual sexual relationships can make it harder to form stable, lasting connections in the future. Think about it this way: each meaningless hookup is a stone added to a wall in your life. It’s a wall that becomes harder to break down when you finally find the right person—the one worthy of letting in.
Let’s flip that coin over and see a different side that comes from waiting for sex. Instead of building walls, you’re learning patience, kindness, and commitment—qualities that become a foundation for something real and lasting down the road. (1 Corinthians 13:4-7). When you wait for sex until marriage, you’re not just waiting for someone else. You’re building yourself, preparing to be someone who can love deeply and truly.
The Consequences on Mental Health
One night, you’re lying in bed, wide awake. It’s quiet, but your mind is flooded with memories—moments that feel like they should mean something, but somehow don’t for some reason. You’re anxious, but you don’t really know why. Restlessness keeps you up night after night. Peace seems miles away and impossible to come by.
Studies show a link between casual sex and mental health issues like depression and anxiety. The excitement disappears, but the emotional strain doesn’t.
God’s design for sex brings peace and wholeness rather than regret. One man and one woman, fully committed, bringing no other experiences to the marriage bed. No comparison. No disease. No baggage. “I have said these things to you, that in me you may have peace. In the world you will have tribulation. But take heart; I have overcome the world.” (John 16:33)
Imagine lying in bed again, but this time with calm washing over you, secure in a love that doesn’t vanish by morning. That’s the peace God’s design offers.
What God Wants You to Know: The Truth About Waiting
God’s sexual boundaries aren’t there to steal your fun—they’re there to protect you. “It is God’s will that you should be sanctified: that you should avoid sexual immorality” (1 Thessalonians 4:3-4). God wants us to avoid the heartache, the emptiness, the restless nights. Waiting isn’t about restriction; it’s about living free of regret with a life filled with joy, peace, and purpose.
Choose the Path to Fulfillment
So here’s the choice: You can go with the flow and give in to the passion of the moment and see where it leads. Or you can choose a different path—one that builds you up, honors who you truly are, and leads to lasting love. God’s plan isn’t meant to hold you back; it’s there to set you free.
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